Yeah... this is my rant.

Hey y'all,

Thats american for "Hello Everybody".

So, I noticed the Yank posted a sneaky picture of me at the michigan game. Now, i'm not one to argue with a woman (you'll almost never win...), Especially one that you're dating (you'll NEVER win), But I think the obvious reason the game was rained off for the first time in 70 years was that the central Michigan players, in a desperate attempt to postpone the horrendous loss, hired a "Native american" (Indian), To perform a raindance of noah like proportions...

That seems logical right?

A N Y ways, I'm writing this with a vile taste in my mouth. No, I didn't eat the camp chicken, this was caused by something much worse...

Have any of you seen trailers for the film "The Covenant"?

If so, wash your eyes with some hydrogen peroxide and repress that memory as soon as you can. Go on, squish it further down than that memory of you wetting yourself in year 8. (the bathrooms were out of order...)

Now, this film wasnt just bad... It was so damned awful that there was never more of a reason to boo. Its so hard to describe whats wrong with this film that i dont even know where to begin... Forced acting, cliches, wires showing...

Ok, ok, i'm gonna compose myself... I got a little wound up then. The point the film was ruined for me was right at the start, which is never nice...

The first scene... the very first scene... the lead guy opens his mouth and says something... and I can tell you, i felt a whole new feeling. It was like someone far away sent you a package, and when you open it, it's full of rocks. Ugly brown rocks. This film had so much potential, but then they go and hire the worst actors ever, and i've seen jet li movies.

I like to immerse myself in my films. When I go to the cinema, I like to forget everything, and just enjoy the film. I know it's not real, but it's nice to not have to do anything except watch and relax. This film reminded me that it was a film every time somone spoke... The "Actors" were so bad at delivering the poor lines, it was like having someone poke you in the ears... constantly.

The dialogue did nothing for them, the screenplay must have been written by a monkey using his own crap as a pencil. Here is an example of the kind of this we had to endure;

Female romantic interest : "I'm scared..."
Lead "actor" : "Don't be..."

-Awkward silence...-

-Actors hug-

Let me put this in context. This man is about to go fight the man who is supposed to be killing him later. The best he can come up with is dont be? I bet the actor himself wrote that line... He seemed about as deep as a splashed puddle...

I mentioned cliches... well the worst one of all was the characters themselves. The lead five boys. (Yes, there was 5 of them. I know one didnt have any lines and stayed in the back, like the shy kids at the nativitys)

There was the all American hero, good in school and loved by all the girls, The pretty boy rebel who makes girls melt when he looks at them (He also had trendy long hair, like them young 'uns today), There was the bad guy, notoriously evil and willing to do anything to get what he wants. There was the bad-good guy, Such an outcast in the group, *sigh* he's so misunderstood... He wears fingerless gloves and resents the fact he's not the strongest one... poor thing... and lastly, the quiet guy. Thats all i can say about him, he had the personality of beige wallpaper (which is slightly more than the rest of them) and blended into the backround just as well.

Then we have the soundtrack...

The exectutive director or whatever useless title he gave himself must have sat there and thought "Well, we're aiming this film at those goth kids... the ones that think they're misunderstood poets who practise wicca and wear those long jackets... well, they listen to that "Heavy metal" stuff dont they... Lets make every song on this track slamming drums, wailing guitars and no words... that'll please them..."

Then, just to make everyone else happy, he puts in some sappy music for the love interest. I SWEAR right after having a slipknot-esque sound track during the fight, he goes and puts something like Britney spears (the young version) on right after. Its like they couldnt decide who to aim the film at. They tried to please everyone, but all they did was make a film that, if i hadent been sitting in the middle of a row of seven of us, i would have left from. I've only ever done that once before. Those of you who know me know that i LOVE movies, and for me to not watch something is a big deal...

Also, when there is a male shower scene, complete with full back nakedness (butts) and towel whipping ('cause thats what guys do y'know, whip towels at each other... like men...) You know something is wrong with the film...

Aside from all that (read - everything!) the story itself was a good one. Classic good versus bad, but i liked the story, if you can look past the cliches and bad acting. Go see it if you're a 10 - 13 year old goth, who secretly likes pop music...

Yeah... thats a lot of people...

Keep it safe kids...

Jamie
Veg
Banana